My Voice

I do not know if I will ever have a voice with the church in regards to some of the things that I may write here on this blog. But what I do know is that I cannot remain silent. When I try to remain silent, there is a fire in my bones. I must speak, because I see error. I must speak, because my heart breaks for my friends who are struggling with their relationship with the Body.

I'd rather not speak. I don't want to see error. I do not want to be a voice. I want to be normal again. I want to be in harmony again with the state and the church. I simply cannot go back to where I was before. I've seen too much. I've studied too much to know that what we believe is truth is in fact an illusion.

I am brainwashed. I cannot pray, read my Bible, sing worship songs, talk with friends or even watch TV without seeing this stuff. My mind is poisoned. It does not help to not pray, or not read my Bible, for the fire still burns in me with the rest of life's daily activities.

I am torn. I do not want to be the voice of one crying in the wilderness, but maybe this is my fate. I was told that I do not have the right to remain silent. For if God has indeed revealed an error in the body to me, that I as a watchman on the wall had a duty to proclaim it. To remain silent would bring God's judgement, not just on the watchman, but on the city as well. The watchman has a lonely duty, and a grave responsibility. It is even worse to be one of God's watchmen. For they are always sent to those that do not have ears to hear. They are sent to the stiff-necked and hard hearted. Never-the-less they must speak, regardless if anyone hears or will listen.

However if I speak I risk dis-fellowship. I risk my words being judged by what we've been taught. I risk my words being judged on someone's opinion. Someone who will not spend the due diligence to evaluate the facts, evidence and law that I present to make the case.

I want to fit in, but even more I want to see God's face. I don't know why I am on this road. It is not the one I would have chosen. I don't know why my eyes have been opened to certain things, as ignorance was seeming bliss. I wish I could go back, but I've come to far.

May the Lord have mercy on me and release me from this place. May the Lord deliver me from me that I may seek and pursue only His glory. May I be His instrument to bring more of His glory upon the earth. May I decrease that He might increase. May He be my rock and my salvation. My defense. And may my feet not be moved from the rock of my salvation which is the Lord Jesus Christ. The eternal one. For He was, and is, and is to come. He is everything. I am nothing - but His!